I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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