I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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