you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I want a musical about memes.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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