I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
