Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
