I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
