Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I wear drunk well.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
