I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
