that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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