I smell stomach acid.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
