woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
