K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
