She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
