I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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