I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
