dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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