Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
