The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
