dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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