My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
