The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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