I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
