Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i already hear my dad disowning me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
