So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
