Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
