sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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