you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
