Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
