apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
