I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
