i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize