TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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