I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
