My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
