Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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