My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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