a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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