I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
