you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
