I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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