I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
