she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
