Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
