so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
