Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
