So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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