Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
