I don't usually arrange sex via text message
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
