She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
