The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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