i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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