OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
