WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
