her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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