Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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