I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
