my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize