At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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