You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
