i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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